Kisses and Bandages
by Angelic Guardian
Summary: Assistant Nurse Kyle must help Cartman with his wound. Oneshot.


Author's Notes: Before you read this, I just have to mention two important things. Number one: Cartman may seem a little out of character in certain parts, but there's a reason for it. You'll understand when you read it. Number two: this oneshot contains a hot, intense make-out scene.

You have been warned.

Oh, and they're both a lot older in this. (Like in college or something.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Kyle or Cartman. Trey Parker and Matt Stone do.

Kisses and Bandages

Kyle let out a long, stressful sigh as he picked up a tray of syringes and headed to the back of the nurse's office. He set the tray down on the table, and then he turned around and walked to the front of the office again to return to his job of disinfecting the stethoscopes.

Although Kyle only worked at the nurse's office part-time, the amount of work he had to do there was enough to make him collapse from exhaustion at the end of each day. He couldn't complain, though, because the pay was decent, but even more importantly, he genuinely liked helping out the patients.

Because anyone who knew Kyle knew that he loved helping others, and the fact that he had such a good heart was, arguably, one of his major weaknesses.

Therefore, when he suddenly heard somebody knocking on the office door, Kyle immediately stopped what he was doing and rushed over to open it.

And once he did, his mouth dropped open, and he was secretly cursing at himself for opening the door in the first place.

Standing before him was a person looking an absolute wreck. His jacket was torn, and he had a hand clasped over his left arm and a desperate, pleading look in his eyes.

Now, ordinarily, Kyle would allow anyone to come in with no questions asked, but in this case, he had to make an exception, because the person at the door wasn't just some random, innocent kid_._

It was Eric Cartman.

And as much as Kyle wasn't exactly _happy_ to see him, he couldn't help but feel concerned when he saw the hurt look on Cartman's face.

"C-Cartman?" Kyle asked, his bewilderment being very noticeable as he spoke. "What the hell happened to you?"

Cartman tightly shut his eyes as he squeezed his arm, trying his hardest to fight the pain, though he was quickly losing that battle. He forced his eyes open. "What does it look like, Kahl?" he asked vehemently. "I fucking tripped on the pavement outside and got _this_." He took his hand off his arm to reveal a deep gash that was so raw that blood instantly started trickling down his arm the second he moved his hand away from it.

Kyle had a look on his face that could only be described as a 'shit, that looks painful' type of look. "Alright, come on," he said, hurriedly grabbing Cartman by the hand and pulling him inside. He heard Cartman release a faint whimper out of protest, but Kyle ignored it and continued to drag him until they reached an unoccupied doctor's bench. He finally let Cartman go, and then he walked away from him and opened up a drawer to look for the bandages.

Cartman already had his hand clamped over his wound again, and as he waited for Kyle to find the bandages, he looked around the room. The walls were painted a nice shade of teal, and the room itself was so clean and tidy. Cartman honestly couldn't imagine how Kyle was able to put up with being inside that room all day, though, especially since the fluorescent lighting in there was so bright that it was practically burning his eyes.

His gaze slowly locked onto Kyle, who had stopped searching through the drawers now and was currently moving things around in one of the cabinets. It was at that point that Cartman finally noticed what Kyle was wearing. It was a plain white collar shirt with matching white pants and shoes, complete with a nurse's cap.

"Hey, nice outfit, Kahl," Cartman said mockingly.

"Dude, shut up," Kyle replied without looking at him as he kept rummaging through the cabinet.

But Cartman couldn't restrain himself. He broke out into an enormous laughter. "Seriously, what's up with the hat?" he asked, trying to catch his breath. "I mean, if you're gonna wear it, you might as well be wearing the fucking dress and apron too!"

"Shut the fuck up," Kyle hissed. "They make the guys wear them here." He pushed a couple bottles of hydrogen peroxide out of the way in hopes that the bandages would be behind them, but there was nothing, much to his disappointment.

Cartman decided he would keep pushing Kyle's buttons. It was, after all, one of his all-time favorite things to do. "Um, correct me if I'm wrong, Kahl, but aren't you the _only_ male nurse that works here?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer to that question.

"Yeah, so?" Kyle asked, slamming the cabinet shut out of frustration. Where the hell were those bandages?

"So, you know…that's kinda gay," Cartman said bluntly.

Kyle finally turned to look at Cartman. "It's _not_ gay!" he snapped, and then he pointed a finger at him and said, "_You're_ gay!"

Cartman scowled at the insult. "You're gayer!" he retorted.

Kyle rolled his eyes. He had no patience to deal with Cartman right now. Honestly, he was acting more petulant and immature than a bratty five-year-old kid.

Of course, that was how Cartman usually acted anyway, but he was being _extra_ annoying at the moment.

Kyle returned to looking for the bandages, because he really wanted to get Cartman's wound all cleaned up and bandaged so that he could finally send his ass out of there. He bent down to check the lower cabinets, and after pulling one open, the first thing he spotted was a new package of bandages. It was about damn time! He smiled in satisfaction, snatching the box and tearing it open. "Here," he said as he tossed a bandage to Cartman.

"Ay!" Cartman said angrily. The bandage hit his face and landed on the bench next to him. "I wasn't ready for that!" he complained.

"Oh well," Kyle said unsympathetically, placing the box of bandages back into the cabinet and closing it.

Cartman looked down and picked up the bandage. "Okay, so, can you fucking help me out over here?" he asked impatiently.

Kyle looked at Cartman again, folding his arms over his chest. "Oh, come on," he answered coldly. "Are you seriously _that_ helpless that you can't even handle putting a fucking bandage on by yourself?"

"Hey, _you're_ the fucking nurse, Kahl, not me!" Cartman said condescendingly.

Kyle narrowed his eyes. "Give me _one_ good reason why I should help you," he said.

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" he asked, sounding confused.

"I mean, why the fuck should I have to help you, when you know as damn well as I do that you don't even fucking deserve it?!" Kyle shouted.

"Oh, so I haven't earned it, is that it?" Cartman asked.

"Yes."

Cartman stepped down from the doctor's bench. "Okay, then."

The angry look was wiped right off Kyle's face as Cartman started approaching him. "W-What are you doing?" he asked nervously, his eyes widening and his arms tensing up even more.

Cartman stopped a few inches directly in front of Kyle. A mischievous smirk was now plastered on his face. He let go of his injured arm and leaned in closer toward Kyle. "This," he whispered.

Then, before Kyle had any time to react, he felt Cartman push his lips deeply into his. He gasped, which unfortunately for Kyle worked out as a convenient excuse for Cartman to slide his tongue right into his mouth.

Kyle aggressively pushed Cartman away with both hands, their lips tearing apart with a smack. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he shrieked, struggling to breath. His eyes literally couldn't get any wider.

"Come on, Kahl, you know you want it," Cartman said huskily. He swiftly leaned into Kyle again, passionately pressing their lips together a second time.

Kyle was almost about to give in this time, for he was quickly melting into the kiss. He took a brief moment to savor the undeniable sweet taste of Cartman's lips, but he suddenly caught himself and shoved Cartman away even harder.

"Have you lost your Goddamn mind?!" Kyle screamed in between short breaths. "Are you even _aware_ where the fuck we are right now?! Shit, there are _children_ back there, idiot!" he said, pointing to a door located behind them.

The devilish smirk disappeared from Cartman's face and was replaced with a frown. "Oh, come on, Kahl!" he whined, and then he added in a hushed voice, "See, this is _exactly_ why you're the chick in our relationship."

"_I'm_ the chick?!" Kyle asked in astonishment, bringing his hands up to his chest. He desperately wanted to smack Cartman upside the head for saying that, but he realized that if he were to do that, it would only be proving that Cartman was right.

But he wasn't.

And since Kyle was always determined to prove Cartman wrong, he was more than willing to take a huge risk in order to do just that. He wrapped his arms around Cartman's neck, relishing the perplexed look on Cartman's face for a few seconds before going in for another kiss. He pressed his lips affectionately against Cartman's, this time fully enjoying their delicious, candy-like taste.

Cartman eagerly kissed him back. He placed his hands securely on Kyle's shoulders. Then, in a matter of seconds, he pushed Kyle down on the nurse's table. Kyle's back hit against it with a loud bang, but he didn't seem to mind, for the gesture only intensified their hot make-out session that much more. One of his legs straddled over Cartman's, the other dangling off the edge of the table. Kyle's hands began traveling from Cartman's neck down to his back, followed by his arms, and as soon as Kyle touched them, he unexpectedly felt the cold blood on one of Cartman's arms and jerked his hand back.

Cartman immediately pulled his lips away from Kyle's. "Ow, fuck, Kahl! That hurt!" he cried, wincing from the pain. "Why the hell did you do that?!"

"I'm sorry! It was an accident!" Kyle said frantically.

Cartman took a step back, giving both himself and Kyle some room to breathe. They both looked absolutely flushed, though Kyle was blushing even more furiously than Cartman, most likely out of guilt for accidentally touching Cartman's open wound. He got down from the table and picked up a bottle of rubbing alcohol that was sitting on the far end of it. "Sit down," he said, uncapping the bottle.

Cartman obeyed, watching as Kyle poured some of the liquid into a hand towel. Kyle walked up to him, taking his arm and gently pressing the wet towel onto his skin. Cartman's arm instinctively flinched back when the alcohol came into contact with his wound. "Fuck! That shit stings!" he yelled.

"Dude, relax. This stuff will keep your cut from getting infected," Kyle informed him, cautiously resting the towel over Cartman's arm again.

Cartman squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the burning sensation all over again. Kyle dabbed the towel over Cartman's wound several times, and when it was taken away, Cartman was overcome with a feeling of relief. He opened his eyes to see a smiling Kyle.

"Now who's the chick, huh?" Kyle teased.

Cartman's eyebrows lowered. "I'm _not_ acting like a chick!" he stated harshly. "And I don't care what you say, Kahl. I'm always gonna consider you to be the chick in this relationship."

Kyle ripped open the bandage and carefully sealed it over Cartman's gash to permanently stop the bleeding. "Fine, whatever," he said nonchalantly. "Now, get outta here, I have to get back to work."

"Fine, fine," Cartman said, coming down from the bench and heading for the door he originally came in from. "But, damn, if you're gonna make-out with me like that, maybe I'll just have to injure myself more often," he said under his breath.

Kyle froze, a strange feeling washing over him as he turned to look at Cartman. "What did you just say?" he asked suspiciously.

"Hmm? Oh, nothing," Cartman said with pretend innocence.

Kyle thought everything over, and all of a sudden, he was hit with a wave of realization. "Did…did you injure yourself _on purpose?_" he asked incredulously.

Cartman grinned deviously. "Maaaaybe," he replied teasingly.

Kyle stared at him, utterly dumbfounded. "You…I…" he said, finding it impossible to form a coherent sentence.

Cartman sauntered over to him and planted another soft kiss on his lips. "Aww, don't worry," he said soothingly. "If you don't want me here, I guess we'll just have to play doctor when you get home, then…"

Kyle's heart pounded uncontrollably as Cartman moved closer to his ear.

"…Nurse Kahl."


End file.
